What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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