How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
