my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
