I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
