I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
