miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
