is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
