Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
