Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
