Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
