i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
