Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
