That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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