Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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