I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
