i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
