So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
