Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
