Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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