I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
