just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
