; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
