I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
