Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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