Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
