She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
