he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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