Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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