i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize