Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
