I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
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