cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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