I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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