I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
