I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
