some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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