and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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