my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
