Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
