I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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