I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
did i walk over a car last night?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
