the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize