His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
