You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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