Who did Billy Mays play for?
she looked like the before picture.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
