life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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