The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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