i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My ATM looks so different sober.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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