He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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