If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
