her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize