hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
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