Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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