she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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