Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I am one with the molecules
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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