just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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