just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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