dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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