this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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