I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize