my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
