my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
