I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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