I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
