Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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