I should be sponsored by Trojan
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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