Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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